


Impossible

by LostCauses (Anteros)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Chapter 84, M/M, eruri - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anteros/pseuds/LostCauses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi breathes in, exhales.  He is alive but Erwin is gone. How is it possible for Levi to continue in a world without Erwin in it?  Surely Erwin’s last breath should have been his final exhale? Apparently not. Somehow, by some fucking miracle, Levi is still alive.</p><p>Levi struggles to come to terms with the enormity of Erwin's death.  Set at the end of chapter 84.</p><p>Dedicated to Commander Erwin Smith.  Let him rest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Impossible

Levi breathes in, exhales. 

The air is thick with dust and smoke. He can feel it coating the inside of his mouth, the acrid taste of it on his tongue.

He breathes again, exhales. And again. The fierce hot steam of titan blood filling his lungs.

He remembers when the air outside the walls had once seemed so clean. So pure and untainted that Levi felt he was able to breathe for the very first time.

It seems impossible, utterly impossible that he should go on breathing, go on living, when everything should have stopped.

Levi closes his eyes. Breathes. Breathes again.

Opens them. Still the same. Nothing has changed. Except everything has changed.

At the very least he expected the sky to fall. Or the light to fail. Or his heart to stop beating, when Erwin’s stopped beating. But it doesn’t. Levi is still here, still breathing. The world is still here and he is still in it. 

He is alive but Erwin is gone.

How is it possible for Levi to continue in a world without Erwin in it? Surely Erwin’s last breath should have been his final exhale?

Apparently not.

Somehow, by some fucking miracle, Levi is still alive.

_I swore I’d follow you. Don’t think this changes anything, you shitty bastard._

He stares down at the body in front of him, wanting to touch but not wanting. It seemed an imposition to reach out and touch when Erwin was so awfully absent.

It’s undeniably Erwin. Erwin, but not Erwin.

He looks like he’s sleeping. But Levi knows he isn’t there. Erwin’s absence has settled inside him, a huge hollow weight that will surely crush him.

The wind ruffles Erwin’s hair, scattering golden strands across his forehead.

“Tch.”

Levi reaches out and sweeps them back into place. There is no conscious thought in the action, just muscle memory. 

Maybe that’s all he is now? Just blood and bone and muscle? Empty inside. Perhaps he is dead. That seems more likely. More likely than living on after Erwin has gone.

He just wants to lie down, to rest beside Erwin. That’s where he belongs isn’t it? Always beside Erwin. His right hand man. And he’s tired, so tired. He feels weak and insubstantial; sinews fraying, every muscle tight and torn.

But he can’t rest. Not yet. Not while there is still one last thing to do. Just one little thing. He promised. Kill the Beast Titan. Fulfil his vow and then, then he can rest. 

Why had he hesitated? If he hadn’t hesitated, if cursed hope hadn’t stayed his hand, he could be resting now, here beside Erwin. 

He wants to blame Kenny. All those years as a brat when he’d been desperate for something, anything, from Kenny; one single word of praise or acknowledgement. He got nothing. Not a single shitty word. Not until his last breath, when Kenny cursed him with the power of life and death. Fucking typical.

Well. There’s nothing to be done about it now. He’ll just have to get on with it, like he’s always done.

But he’s so, so tired. If he could just have one moment of rest without all this hellish noise. All these kids, screaming and flailing, _all the fucking time._

But there’s another voice; closer, quieter.

“Levi.”

Tugging at the edge his memory.

“Levi.”

Persistent, annoying, familiar.

“Hey, Levi.”

Why won’t people let him alone? So he can just have a moment’s rest?

He drags his gaze away from Erwin’s face.

“Shitty glasses. You still here then?”

“Yes, I’m still here.” 

Hanji’s face is streaked with blood and tears. They looked like shit.

“We need to go Levi.”

“I know.”

And he does. He knows. If only he wasn’t so tired, the empty weight inside him is so heavy.

He turns back to Erwin, still the same; there but not there.

“We’re not leaving him.”

“No Levi, we won’t leave the Commander. But we need to go from here. Okay?”

Levi hauls himself to his feet, lead in every limb. He bends to lift the body, to lift _Erwin_ , feels the strength flooding back into him as lifts, cradling Erwin close to his chest. Back where he belongs. And he feels light, so light, no weight at all. Levi feels like he could fly into the sun as long as Erwin is in his arms.

“Okay.” He tightens his grip, turns to Hanji, “lets go.”


End file.
